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Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

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One Reason Crying in Public is A Good Thing – Even “Ugly” Crying

Sadness hijacked me, so crying in public was inevitable.  I cried in Starbucks, at the gym and at Barnes & Noble among the books in the relationship section.  How fitting.  My crying jag ended with a great book on toxic relationships and the start of a new friendship.   Society is afraid to show sadness – but that closes us off to the support of other humans.  I say – if you’re going to cry in public then “ugly cry”, honey.

I need to rewind. My soon-to-be ex narcissist walked out after blaming me for his emotional affair with a twenty-four year old girl.  (I mean come on!!)  To say I was hurt, angry and bewildered is an understatement, so I called my friends to sort through my toxic relationship, admittedly ad nauseam.

Talking to friends can be dangerous if they don’t understand what emotional abuse does to a person’s psyche.  This friend told me, “Shame on you for letting him beat you down every day.”  That hurt, but when she added how she was too strong to ever experience that, I lost it.  Of course, this twisted pep talk happened as I walked into Starbucks.  Having reached an emotional saturation point, I wrote for an hour before succumbing to a crying spell.  Embarrassed, I went to the gym to sweat it out.

Now, all of this is important, promise!  As a spiritual person, I believe in signs.  Cosmic signs, angels showing up – what ever you want to call it.  At the gym, I hopped on the elliptical, so I could read the book, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabrielle referenced another book, A Course in Miracles, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to find it.

Tearing up at the gym was my cue to leave.  Barnes & Noble was the logical next stop.  I headed straight for the customer service desk and asked the lady behind the counter where the books on narcissistic abuse and grieving would be.  She escorted me to the section and as she grabbed a book from the shelf, I started to sob.  Exposed in the midst of an ugly cry, I explained how my husband just moved out in an extremely narcissistic fashion and how our toxic relationship had gotten in the way of grieving my mother’s passing two years ago.

The customer service lady nodded her understanding, and mentioned how she knew all too well what I was going through.  She started crying.  There were two other customers in that book section.  Our crying triggered some innate empathy response, and they started crying.  The customer service lady left in the wake of a sniffle, but was immediately followed by another Barnes & Noble employee.  She said, “I hear people are crying over here.  Do you ladies need some tissue?”  Of course, we needed tissue, so she got a box of Kleenex, offered to hug us all and left.

One of the other customers had a small sample of essential oils and, out of kindness, gave it to me.  This started a conversation and the surprise that we knew a mutual friend.  She offered to sit and commiserate with me over coffee, so we made plans to go to lunch that week.

We went to lunch and, what I hope is a long friendship, began.  This heart crushing life change, torturous soul-finding expedition and erosion of my emotional composure has shown me many truths about myself and my life, forcing me to become vulnerable in public.  If you’re crying in public, your life has reached a certain point – listen to it.  If my husband hadn’t left, if I never had that hurtful conversation with my friend and hadn’t  gone to Barnes & Noble  – I would still be ignoring the truth about my life – I’m in a toxic marriage and need to grieve my mother.

 

Namaste!

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Not Hiding The Hot Mess Any Longer

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This life doesn’t let you rest for long –

This blog is meant to relate to people who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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How to find purpose behind unwanted change in life

Finding Purpose In Change

My life changed a year ago – I mean, it’s unrecognizable from what it was.  Life before was  a corporate office, cubicles and business casual – in marketing.  Today it’s  a construction site,  a construction trailer and steel toe boots.  I am an Assistant Superintendent for a builder, a woman “Super” with a little industry knowledge and so much to learn.  I didn’t just wake up on the site one day, with a caulking gun in my hand, and not remember what happened.  Certain events, like my husband leaving and my contract marketing job going bye-bye, led me to this new life.  I tread water in the newness everyday – afraid that I can’t … build houses, read a plot plan, figure out how to make this new life work. The questions running a constant loop in my mind – “Why?”  “What’s the purpose of this?”

Unexpected changes in life are painful and scary.  In the end, change – big or small, good or bad –  leads you somewhere  better, someplace stronger.  Change you didn’t plan on, didn’t ask for and didn’t want is like a bitch-slap across your face.  But – how do you find purpose behind the change?

Most days I say I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone – maybe I’m just be in an episode of “The Twilight Zone”.  (for those of you born in 2000 or later – The Twilight Zone was a t.v. show based on people in surreal situations or nightmares.)

Managing Anxiety During Change

Change brings anxiety, it’s never comfortable.  It helps to believe that the events in your life – give you something, teach you something or set you on a new path.  I’ve battled anxiety my entire life.  So, if I hadn’t found some good amongst the chaos, I would have gone crazy.  My detour to construction started with a divorce, and the end of a Marketing Coordinator job.  My husband was leaving at the same time my source of income disappeared.  I was offered a job for a builder and took it with the intention of getting back into marketing ASAP.   But my life didn’t follow that intention.  So, I had anxiety on top of anxiety, a constant pit in my stomach.

Thirteen months later, my divorce behind me, I am at a construction site in Aurora, CO.  With a dry sense-of-humor and a growing list of knowledge including; how to caulk a  counter top, what a knee wall is and how to install a charlie bar.  I am more comfortable and confident every day.  Some might even say I am a “Bad A$$”

Tired of the fear and the questions, I got quite long enough for the answers to come.  I looked at what my new life was showing me, what the challenges in this job were giving me – besides anxiety.  I realized that this job is actually forcing me to execute – to just figure it out and “do it” – no matter how scared I am.  My life before the change hit, I let myself quit.  I’ve told myself that I am not enough and it’s ok to walk away from a challenge.

Self doubt has no place in the construction industry.  My life before was centered on self-doubt.  It’s making me face a habit from childhood – giving up because I told myself “I can’t”.  On the job site – “I can’t” isn’t an option.  I asked myself – what cosmic reason was I in this place in my life?  The answer that came back – I am meant to face a childhood self-esteem issue – my lack of it.  This change is setting me up with new skills and new confidence to create great things in my life.

Everyday – I thank the universe for this job – for its challenges and its victories.  While I do wish I didn’t have to drive to the grocery store to pee (I don’t like the porta-pottie) – I am becoming a bada$$!  When you find yourself in a strange new place in life – stop and ask – “What is this change showing me?”  The answer may pleasantly surprise you.

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Loss Of A Marriage Is Painful! Here’s How To Ease The Pain

Change for the most part is dark and scary.  We cling to the familiar like a life raft as we experience unexpected challenges or disappointment.  We find comfort by saying, “Well, I still have this or that.”  Or, “These parts of my life remain the same.”  What if you experience a major loss?  What if your marriage ends and the foundation of your life is swept away in one big wave?

When your life will never be the same,  when familiar is a distant horizon and you’re treading water, try this one emotional shift.  Surrender your old life to the past and base your happiness on what ever island you’re stranded on.  In other words, stop comparing how you are or feel based on life before.  Ask what will give you joy today if today is your only unit of measure?

It sounds like this:  Instead of saying, “What will I do now?” – say, “What will I discover about myself today?”  There will be many moments of sadness and grieving that you need to process and feel.  Shifting focus to joy in the present moment helps alleviate the pain and fear during the toughest times in our lives.

This strategy can inspire positive momentum to help flow through major loss.  Your strengths emerge and new opportunities open up to you like flowers blooming.

Namaste!

 

 

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Two Truths And A Lie – Empower You After A Toxic Conversation

Toxic relationships suck the confidence out of even the most badass person.  I mean, we’re all badass on some level.  But, a toxic person’s mind games and ‘crazy making’ tactics tangle-up your heart, mind and body with invisible chains – you obsess, defend who you are and suppress your true feelings without realizing it.

I fell prey to the circular conversations, criticism and manipulation for years until one day, after a typical criticism fest, I noticed that I was spending hours having a rebuttal conversation in my head.  I thought about every reason my ex was wrong about me.  I stopped and asked myself, “Why are you trying to convince yourself of something you already know?”  The answer was simple – I was responding to the negative things he said about me as if they were true.  Only I know what is true about me.

My defensiveness and the hurt I experienced with each of these conversations came from the fact that my ex was wrong about me.   He painted me as all black or all white – all good or all bad.  Well, there was a grain of truth in some of what he said – but he exaggerated or outright projected untruths about me – I am not selfish, not making him treat me this way and don’t make decisions that only benefit me.  We all have our moments of putting ourselves first and I made decisions that protected me and my three kiddos.  Me making him treat me like crap was a straight-up lie.

I started looking at my truths and his lies – breaking that habit or cycle of handing all the power over to my ex by standing on my truths and my reality.  Two truths and a lie helped empower me to stand up for myself and avoid the crazy making moments.  Here’s how it works:

After a negative conversation acknowledge two truths – these can be true feelings,  what you want to change about your situation, how the conversation affected you, if any part of the conversation had truth to it (of course, accept this truth without judging you)

For example, after that particular conversation my two truths were:

  1. I don’t trust my own husband anymore – emotionally or otherwise
  2. I am a giving person – my husband is the only person who has ever accused me of being selfish.

Now acknowledge one lie from your conversation

For example, I acknowledged that my ex telling me that I only make decisions that benefit me is a lie.

Finding two truths and a lie allowed me to stop that endless loop of negative /defensive thoughts and focus on empowering thoughts.  The next time you get caught up in a toxic conversation, see if this strategy can help you.

 

Namaste!

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Three Reasons Your Toxic Break Up Is A Great Thing

Break ups are excruciating.  That’s why there are so many sad country songs about them.   Break ups create insecurities, amplify our critical inner voice and parade our flaws for everyone to see.  Our instinct, or our desperate hope, is to not feel even a drop of pain.  Not feeling any pain is impossible, but we try with distractions, denial or a nice bottle of wine.

Breaking up with a toxic human adds a whole new level of agony because there is no closure, your self-esteem is buried somewhere in the backyard like a body and hope hangs around like second-hand smoke.  I was in the middle of berating myself for feeling sad over someone that hurt me on a daily basis, when I looked at this journey in a different way.  Instead of looking at what I lost – I opened up to how full my life is with or without my ex.  I realized that with my ex out of the house and out of my life, everything felt lighter.  I discovered three reasons my break up is a good thing.  See if these truths help you too.

  1. This is the catalyst to discovering who I really am and being my true self – I have nothing to lose now – my toxic ex already walked out of the door.  The relationship wasn’t based on the real me.

 

  1. My mind is free to focus on accomplishing my dream of publishing a book. (The break-up helped me rediscover why I had that dream) I spent way too much time defending myself in my mind.

 

  1. I am starting fresh – healing what led me to attract a toxic man, asking what I value and learning how to set boundaries.  I put up with and overlooked sooo much abuse and b.s.!

There is no ‘correct’ way to move on from a toxic relationship – the most important thing to remember is giving yourself grace.

 

Namaste!

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Three Empowering Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day After a Toxic Relationship Ends

Even the most cynical heart can feel devastated on V-Day after a narcissistic discard.  That’s the funny – not funny part, your emotions are all over the place – not settled in relief, or anger or sadness – so when a romantic holiday comes along – how do you cope with mixed emotions?  Or, for the romantic V-Day people – how do you survive sans valentine?   I came up with three ways to survive and even thrive on Valentine’s Day after a toxic relationship ends.

I am not a romantic V-Day person, but I am wondering just how bad V-Day will feel this year without my ex valentine.   Will I end up quiet-crying in the office bathroom, or will Valentine’s Day be a day to love myself?  My ex narcissist used to go all out with flowers, cards and stuffed bears – ironically, his birthday is on the same day.  We would celebrate both, so I am feeling an odd sense of dread mixed with freedom to focus on me now.  I am trying three ways to show myself some love on V-Day sans valentine.

  1. A morning meditation to send love to my ex (yes, to my ex!) and to myself (Sending love to my ex puts me in a lighter place)
  2. Doing one thing I have always wanted to do but haven’t – I am scheduling an infrared treatment at a spa
  3. Sending 1-3 friends funny Valentine’s cards

Moving on from a toxic relationship is hard enough without Valentine’s Day falling right in the middle of recovering.  Focusing self-love combined with doing something new just might make me feel amazing rather than sad.  I am giving these three ways a try.  Try them with me!

 

Namaste!

 

 

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Divorcing In Winter – Is It More Difficult?

Divorce is a short ride to hell on its own.  But having sobbed during a blizzard and obsessed about my soon-to-be ex while shoveling snow, my unfortunate divorce from a narcissist in December led me to the question – Does winter make divorce hurt more?  If divorce hits harder in winter, what can I do about it?

I say HELL YES, divorce sucks worse in winter.  Winter’s artic cold, snowy roads and shorter days makes me hibernate – by that I mean – on winter nights you can’t pry me out of my house with a crowbar.  As the sun sets early evening, my anxiety rises.  And even on somewhat decent days – the dreariness of winter makes me sad.  I am not sure if it literally makes me sad, as in Season Affective Disorder (SAD), but it’s somewhere close.  Adding a divorce to this winter season, makes the cold days and nights that much colder.

I couldn’t find any research that talked specifically about winter making divorce seem harder in winter without a reference to Season Affective Disorder.  So, I did a little research and found the official definition of SAD. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, (NIH) SAD is a type of depression that starts around fall/early winter and ends in spring/summer. SAD has a recurring seasonal pattern and you have to meet the full criteria for major depression coinciding with specific seasons, meaning winter or sometimes summer, for at least 2 years.  It seems that technically, a divorce won’t bring on SAD, or make you depressed, but I still say winter makes the emotions surrounding a divorce more intense.

If winter does make a divorce worse, what can we do about it?   I recently started this book, Before You Know It, and one fascinating study associated heat/warmth with feeling better emotionally.  The book talked about anything warm, coffee, soup, and a special treatment called Whole Body Hyperthermia (WBH).  My initial status conference is tomorrow and I am sad and nervous to see my soon-to-be ex for the first time in months.  I can’t get in for a whole-body hyperthermia treatment – so I am experimenting with hot chocolate, a heating pad and the sauna after my work out tomorrow morning.  Will let you know if it actually makes a dent in this winter divorce misery.

Namaste!

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When Your Fear Gets Too Heavy – Set It Down

When it gets too heavy – set it down.  That goes for luggage and emotions. I know you have to feel emotions to process and get through them – but given a chance – emotions will drag you to the deep end of the misery pool and hold your head under water.  Surviving a toxic relationship straddles that fine line between self-torture and growing past the hurt.  The pain and emotions will get too heavy.  At some point – you have to put it all down for a minute and find the faith that the relationship ending is necessary for your survival, that you’ll be just fine.

I discovered this gem of insight while listening to sad music and freaking out over my divorce.  I went to send my soon-to-be ex-husband a song and stopped myself because I realized the person I was sending it to is just a black hole.  The man I thought I married never existed.  I had a mini panic attack – with the pit in my stomach and the sensation of my mind breaking.  My thoughts went to “I can’t do this alone,” and “I know that the good guy never existed.”  Sadly, my heart still has hope we will get back to the way it was in the beginning.  Wanting to talk the very person who cut your soul so deeply is a disturbing place to be.  No contact is a promise to yourself that’s hard to keep.

I got to the edge of that deep end and paused.  Eyes blurry with tears, I literally said, “I am in fear right now.  This fear is too heavy, so I am setting it down.”   I know this is me being strong.  Yes, strong.  My soon-to-be ex left.   There is a fear and uncertainty where his criticism and dark energy used to be.  I may not know what’s worse – but damn it I will heal what I need to in order to start over and choose a different life.    Fear and panic will find their way onto my shoulders tomorrow, but for now I’m lighter.

Namaste!

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WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

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THREE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS TO TAKE CONTROL DURING NARCISSISTIC DISCARD

 

A narcissistic discard leaves you stunned and broken, haunted by unanswered questions.  Normal breakups crush your heart – a narcissistic discard squeezes your spirit, shatters your life and stuns your reality.  You pray for unconsciousness so the torturous analyzing and relentless quest for answers/closure will finally stop.

I started asking questions and answering them for myself.  One universal answer; it’s so painful because the narcissist keeps all the power – they give you answers,  they ignore you,  they hold your closure for ransom.

The only way to heal is to separate your life and identity from the narcissist – don’t depend on them for answers, closure, mercy.  Anything.  You control your own healing – how and when.  Take that power back.  We believed their stories – but they lied.  Their discard only becomes a tragic ending if you stay tied to the narcissist.  Change the story – It’s yours to write now.

I was drowning in fear, terrifying thoughts of loneliness, being sad for the rest of my life, wondering and hoping he would regret leaving – when it hit me like a lightening strike – all these thoughts and self-torture keeps me tied to that man.  I sat still long enough to examine what lay beneath the pain – three main questions and answers emerged.

  1. THE QUESTION: What insecurity is this discard triggering? That I’m not enough?  That my life will be horrible without him?  That I can’t do life without him?  That he was right, I am worthless?

THE ANSWER:  He left because that’s his sadistic nature.  I am the same person before and after the discard – his leaving doesn’t define me – I define me!!

  1. THE QUESTON: What will closure give me or validate for me? Will him explaining why make me feel better?  Am I worthy of love if he gives me closure?

THE ANSWER: Differentiating your identity and life from the twisted reality they fed you is your own closure.  A narcissist wouldn’t close a door for you let alone wrap up the ending they planned for you in a bow or leave you with any peace.  The peace you seek will come from within.

  1. THE QUESTION: What story am I telling about my life and me now that the narcissist is gone? Is my story that I will be alone forever?  Is there no happiness after the narcissist?  Ever again?  That this story is happening to you – out of your control?  All the good left along with your narcissist?

THE ANSWER:  The sad, miserable story becomes your life or reality if that’s what you believe.  So, don’t believe it – the truth is – you can and will find love again – only this time you’ll heal what you need to and the love will be real.  You can use the pain to understand your insecurities and heal them.  The pain and confusion stems from the idealization phase – the narcissist’s story – fictional story.  You are trying to get back to that idealization – it wasn’t real!  Write your own ending or beginning of the next story.

Asking and answering these questions returns your power to its rightful owner – YOU!  Don’t stop at these three questions.  Question everything – find your truth and start to heal on your terms – not the narcissist’s.

Namaste!

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